The Black Abyss – 1989
‘The point is …’ Nicky was struggling to find the words, expressing her feelings had never been her strong suit.
‘The point is … I love you.’ There. The words were out, the anguished, choking tone with which they were delivered accentuated her desperate honesty. The look on Sam’s face was not what she was expecting, they betrayed feelings of surprise, with a hint of shock. A deafening silence followed, during which they both avoided eye contact, for a few seconds.
‘You know I love you too Nic.’ Sam broke the silence and eye contact was reestablished. The words said one thing, but the eyes were saying something else. There was no glimmer of reciprocated emotion, just an apologetic sadness.
Nicky always had that nagging doubt, an inner fear that their relationship, the one she had thrown her heart and soul into was always destined to be a one-sided, temporary arrangement. A fling, a game, an experiment. She had been right.
She shook her head, feeling used and mislead, but she only had herself to blame for allowing it to happen, again. Determined not to cry in front of Sam, she said
‘I know you do, but not in the same way as I love you?’
She got up to put on her jacket. What would be the point in staying? There was nothing left to say, so no point in prolonging the agony. She opened the front door noiselessly, as she heard Sam say I’m really sorry Nic I didn’t mean to… then slammed it, with conviction, behind her. Which, momentarily, gave her a degree of satisfaction.
Walking up the street in the fading light, she quickened her pace as she instinctively realised that forecasted rain was imminent. There was a clap of thunder, followed by a lightning bolt flickering in the distance as the heavens opened, diluting the tears that had started to slide down her face. Not for the first time, she heard her mother’s voice ringing in her ears, ‘Life is difficult enough, Nicola… without being gay.’