From my Life to Date and How I’ve Survived It Collection

I am not sure when your dotage officially begins.  I suppose it is a gradual process.  You start finding tell-tail signs around the house.

When you open your fridge door and find your confused but well-fed cat suffering from a mild case of hyperthermia or when you start leaving your bunch of keys in the car door when you go shopping.

Don’t invite crime by encouraging strangers to take your car and walk into your home.

Fortunately for me, on both occasions, I was shopping at Waitrose, the bastion of groceries for the middle classes, according to Michael McIntyre, so both my car and my keys were there when I got back.

There is nothing good about getting older.  Like memory loss.  I knew all the answers to the Times 2 crossword this morning, but I just couldn’t remember them.

And there’s the weight gain.  I used to have a waist and from what I can remember, it was somewhere below my ribcage.  I blame the steroids myself.

My sleek, honey blonde hair, that used to shine in the sunlight sleek hair gif.gif

has now taken on a wintery hue, it’s brittle strands often break off when I brush it.

White blonde? No?

I hate looking in the mirror these days, blemishes appear on my face overnight, Marmite-coloured manifestations that come in various shapes and sizes.

Marmite-coloured manifestations





I have no control over these things, they just happen, but at least I am still in control of my bladder, except when I laugh.

It’s only when I laugh